Emotion Sickness

For about a month, I've had a solid plan. Increase raw fruits and veggies, protein shakes, healthy snacks...setting myself up to succeed. Lost 10#

At work today, a child, who has been increasingly withdrawing, told me she wanted to end her life because it was so bad. Instinct kicked in (cause there was NO training for me on what to do) and I told her teacher. Her teacher took her to the school social worker. I've not had positive experiences there, so I wasn't fully trusting how it would play out. I went to the principal. There I broke down.

I could barely get the words out. I couldn't figure out why this was hitting me so hard. I did the right things. I just couldn't help worrying about this kid. I prayed. I texted friends to ask them to pray. Here I sit, hours later, and can't shake it.

A few months ago, I found out my daughter had been having the same thoughts and feelings. Ah ha! This has hit home for me. Flooding back the thoughts and fears for my own baby girl. I had immediately sought out counseling for her, and she's been going faithfully for a few months and is in a better place, today.

My own counselor has always encouraged me to journal. God has spoken with me about the benefits. So here I go trying to revive this blog..as my journal. No one may read it, or maybe someone will...and find they are not alone in struggle. It has always helped me to know my thoughts, fears and such are not unique. Helps me to know that someone else understands.

So, back to the beginning...my food plan was in response to finding out that my life insurance premium was going to be tripled due only to my height and weight. A hard wake-up call that I need to do something. I have finally admitted that I've had an eating disorder for the better part of 30 years. I don't want it anymore! It is not my friend. It does not have good intentions for me. It is my enemy.

So, as I was processing my emotional overload, I couldn't help but think of eating something to calm my nerves. The union reps were at the building, today with free Subways for lunch...Yep, I did. Had my fruit that I'd brought for a snack, too. Got home and had some ice cream, chocolate, and pretzels...still no satisfaction. Still sad inside. Didn't get the rush of dopamine I had hoped for. Still worrying about that kid. Hoping someone will take her seriously and get her the help she needs.