It's not selfish

What would happen, if we truly loved ourselves? Jesus said we should "love one another the same way we love ourselves." Galatians 5:14 and others

If you're loving others better than yourself, you're doing it wrong. Step back and see how you treat yourself. 

How do you think about yourself? 

Do you punish yourself?

Do you allow grace for yourself? 

Do you forgive yourself? 

Loving and serving others is great, but if you are condemning yourself in the process, you have missed the example. 

Take time to be fueled.

Take time to be quiet. 

Take time to care for yourself. Then, when you're filled up, you can overflow onto others.
We can't give what we don't possess.

How do you know you're not loving yourself? You start resenting the people you are doing things for. You resent that they continually ask you, or expect you to do what they can do for themselves. In fact, you've helped make them unable to do for themselves. You think so little of your own sanity, that you over function by creating dysfunction.  Why would everything fall apart if you didn't do it? Would it really? Or have you made yourself so indispensable that no one has any respect for you and your need to be fueled? Is it a disrespect that you are teaching?

If we aren't loving ourselves, it's hard to expect that others will love us. Love us well. 

Love yourself well. Model it to those in your life; children, friends, coworkers, spouse, friends, parents. Not only will they learn to respect and love you well, but they will learn how to love themselves.

Emotion Sickness

For about a month, I've had a solid plan. Increase raw fruits and veggies, protein shakes, healthy snacks...setting myself up to succeed. Lost 10#

At work today, a child, who has been increasingly withdrawing, told me she wanted to end her life because it was so bad. Instinct kicked in (cause there was NO training for me on what to do) and I told her teacher. Her teacher took her to the school social worker. I've not had positive experiences there, so I wasn't fully trusting how it would play out. I went to the principal. There I broke down.

I could barely get the words out. I couldn't figure out why this was hitting me so hard. I did the right things. I just couldn't help worrying about this kid. I prayed. I texted friends to ask them to pray. Here I sit, hours later, and can't shake it.

A few months ago, I found out my daughter had been having the same thoughts and feelings. Ah ha! This has hit home for me. Flooding back the thoughts and fears for my own baby girl. I had immediately sought out counseling for her, and she's been going faithfully for a few months and is in a better place, today.

My own counselor has always encouraged me to journal. God has spoken with me about the benefits. So here I go trying to revive this blog..as my journal. No one may read it, or maybe someone will...and find they are not alone in struggle. It has always helped me to know my thoughts, fears and such are not unique. Helps me to know that someone else understands.

So, back to the beginning...my food plan was in response to finding out that my life insurance premium was going to be tripled due only to my height and weight. A hard wake-up call that I need to do something. I have finally admitted that I've had an eating disorder for the better part of 30 years. I don't want it anymore! It is not my friend. It does not have good intentions for me. It is my enemy.

So, as I was processing my emotional overload, I couldn't help but think of eating something to calm my nerves. The union reps were at the building, today with free Subways for lunch...Yep, I did. Had my fruit that I'd brought for a snack, too. Got home and had some ice cream, chocolate, and pretzels...still no satisfaction. Still sad inside. Didn't get the rush of dopamine I had hoped for. Still worrying about that kid. Hoping someone will take her seriously and get her the help she needs.

The First Round

I was asked, today, if I was ready to see who God had ready for me to release to Jesus in the "ring." (see my last post) First, by prayer, I asked for forgiveness for my harboring of said fugitive. Next, I asked God to reveal to me, by his Holy Spirit, if He would show me; allow to come to the surface, those who have hurt me, or any past pains I have not dealt with.

He said to release my Mother.

For the better part of my life, I have felt like my Mom was always looking at me, seeing what was wrong, that she could fix. In my adulthood, it's been more, what she tells me I need to fix; in myself, or my children, house or my husband. Very exhausting trying to keep her at bay, sometimes.
Not to say, that there isn't the occasional breakthrough, where she tells me glorious things about myself, and builds me up.  Soon to be torn down, again.

So, I picture Mom standing in the ready, opposite corner in the ring from Jesus.
"Let her come to me," He says.  All my strength is then ZAPPED from me, as I let go of her; let go of trying to be the one that makes her see me for who I have become; let go of trying to be the one that "saves" her.
My coach, God, my Father grabs my face and tells me to only focus on Him, that this is not my fight. I have to look to Him to who I am, for Him to be the one to build me up. This struggle is hard, I want to run to her and tell her all that He wants to be to her.

The bell rings, signalling the first round, and the gloves come off! No, literally, Jesus looks with His graceful eyes, into my Mom and takes His gloves off, stretches His arms out wide to her and embraces her!  She stands there, arms at her sides, not participating in the love; not receiving anything He wants to give, but He will not let go. He's got her, I can rest knowing that and stop trying to do His job.

Remembering that God wants me to focus on Him alone, I feel that she is His, now.  He is faithful, loving and kind. She is safe with Him.

Let's Get Ready to Rumble!

I see a boxing ring, with one boxer and a coach.  The stadium is darkened, only the two individuals are in the ring. No announcer, no opponent.
For a minute I can't figure out who the boxer is, or even the coach, for that matter.
I hear a voice say, "I will fight for you."
Then I start to think that the boxer is me...but who is the coach? If someone is fighting for me, then , wouldn't I be the coach, telling the fighter who to fight?
I have to focus for a moment and I hear the voice again, "Let me fight for you!"
I realize the fighter and the coach both represent God, in two of His persons, The Father and Jesus.
"Show me your opponents," again, the same voice, but who would they be?


This is a vision I had two days ago, and after much more thought and prayer, I've come to know the ring is me.  The opponents are still waging the fight in me, but I have not acknowledged they are there. I've been denying that I still have some pain I haven't' dealt with, or allowed myself to feel. Denial.
How can God heal those parts inside of me if I don't even acknowledge they exist?  If I don't allow myself to feel the hurt way deep inside?
God wants me to let them come, so He can deal with them, give them a knock-out punch, if you will.  I have to be very careful that I don't do this alone.  My navigator (counselor) has given me permission to have a safe place for these things to be dealt with, for that I am thankful.


So, where is the Holy Spirit in all this?  Well, there is an audience cheering....supporting....who can see who is waiting in the wings for the next fight....I think He's there.

Sense of belonging

One of the main things I struggle with is feeling like I don't belong.
Counselors would say, that was supposed to come from my parents, but I didn't get it, and now I'm trying to find it.  From a sense of belonging, we get our sense of being, where our passions and desires take shape.
The hard thing is, when my feelings get hurt, and it happens a lot, all of a sudden I feel like I need to change up all my friends...because I no longer feel like I belong. An almost constant outsider. Living in a community where there are cliques of people who grew up together doesn't help, either. They share memories I don't have, and they reminisce often. Even going to church; everyone is either related or sharing a household. Suddenly I shrink into the background.
My solution seems to be (as I am figuring out my patterns) that I try to do things to get noticed. Good and bad, just someone notice me.
I'll:
Spend too much
Do too much
Get sarcastic
Crack jokes, for some examples, just someone notice that I am here and I want to belong.
That doesn't work, though, because I still feel unnoticed...my personality and passions must not be good enough to belong. But, if I can do something for someone, they want me around...I want to be liked for me, not for what I can do for someone.
I know in my head that I belong to God, but sometimes, often times, He can seem so far from here...I'd like to go be where He is. He does make His dwelling place in His new Temple, His people, but I still feel like an outsider most of the time.

Warning: bad day...ALREADY!

Barely 9am and I've already had the worst day I've had in a long time. When it rains, it pours, I guess.


I feel like I'll never get to where I can play and have fun, and I get so mad when all the kids want to do is play and have fun!  Why am I left to get all the yucky task stuff around the house done by myself?  I want to enjoy things! I can't get ahead, and I'm getting resentful. Furious-fly-off-the-handle...if there even is  a handle to be on :/


Date night? Too much to do. Vacation? Dreadful, cause there's so much to do. Sit and read? But there will be a disaster that I have to get up and clean. Seems as if it will never end and I don't dare take a break, cause it will just be worse when the break is over.


So, here I sit, writing this all down, cause it's supposed to do me some good...all I want to do is hide, today. I'm afraid if I go out "there" (sitting in my room, right now) that something worse will happen.  I can't just shut down, because they want to go do things...they want to have fun...they want to see the sun today.  


Someday someone will be like me and notice that I need help, too...maybe...I can't just keep helping other people...it's breaking me.

One Track Mind

I'm noticing that I get into a "zone" when doing chores. I don't like people to talk to me, or ask me anything, I can only concentrate on one thing at a time.  Which is very strange, because I've always considered my self to be a great multi-tasker.


What contributed to this change, the ADD of my 40's?


Funny thing is, the "zone" doesn't keep me on task.  I start doing one thing and before it's finished, I notice something else, and start that and so on and so on. By the end of the day I have multiple things started and nothing accomplished (fully).  Same routine the next day. Maybe that's why I'm exhausted.  Tedium at its best!


As of now, I have a load in the dryer, 2 loads needing to be folded, the vacuum still in the middle of the floor, dishes half done, 2 baskets of folded laundry (these have been sitting there for 2 weeks)...will I ever finish?


I guess that's multi-tasking for me, these days!