The First Round

I was asked, today, if I was ready to see who God had ready for me to release to Jesus in the "ring." (see my last post) First, by prayer, I asked for forgiveness for my harboring of said fugitive. Next, I asked God to reveal to me, by his Holy Spirit, if He would show me; allow to come to the surface, those who have hurt me, or any past pains I have not dealt with.

He said to release my Mother.

For the better part of my life, I have felt like my Mom was always looking at me, seeing what was wrong, that she could fix. In my adulthood, it's been more, what she tells me I need to fix; in myself, or my children, house or my husband. Very exhausting trying to keep her at bay, sometimes.
Not to say, that there isn't the occasional breakthrough, where she tells me glorious things about myself, and builds me up.  Soon to be torn down, again.

So, I picture Mom standing in the ready, opposite corner in the ring from Jesus.
"Let her come to me," He says.  All my strength is then ZAPPED from me, as I let go of her; let go of trying to be the one that makes her see me for who I have become; let go of trying to be the one that "saves" her.
My coach, God, my Father grabs my face and tells me to only focus on Him, that this is not my fight. I have to look to Him to who I am, for Him to be the one to build me up. This struggle is hard, I want to run to her and tell her all that He wants to be to her.

The bell rings, signalling the first round, and the gloves come off! No, literally, Jesus looks with His graceful eyes, into my Mom and takes His gloves off, stretches His arms out wide to her and embraces her!  She stands there, arms at her sides, not participating in the love; not receiving anything He wants to give, but He will not let go. He's got her, I can rest knowing that and stop trying to do His job.

Remembering that God wants me to focus on Him alone, I feel that she is His, now.  He is faithful, loving and kind. She is safe with Him.

Let's Get Ready to Rumble!

I see a boxing ring, with one boxer and a coach.  The stadium is darkened, only the two individuals are in the ring. No announcer, no opponent.
For a minute I can't figure out who the boxer is, or even the coach, for that matter.
I hear a voice say, "I will fight for you."
Then I start to think that the boxer is me...but who is the coach? If someone is fighting for me, then , wouldn't I be the coach, telling the fighter who to fight?
I have to focus for a moment and I hear the voice again, "Let me fight for you!"
I realize the fighter and the coach both represent God, in two of His persons, The Father and Jesus.
"Show me your opponents," again, the same voice, but who would they be?


This is a vision I had two days ago, and after much more thought and prayer, I've come to know the ring is me.  The opponents are still waging the fight in me, but I have not acknowledged they are there. I've been denying that I still have some pain I haven't' dealt with, or allowed myself to feel. Denial.
How can God heal those parts inside of me if I don't even acknowledge they exist?  If I don't allow myself to feel the hurt way deep inside?
God wants me to let them come, so He can deal with them, give them a knock-out punch, if you will.  I have to be very careful that I don't do this alone.  My navigator (counselor) has given me permission to have a safe place for these things to be dealt with, for that I am thankful.


So, where is the Holy Spirit in all this?  Well, there is an audience cheering....supporting....who can see who is waiting in the wings for the next fight....I think He's there.

Sense of belonging

One of the main things I struggle with is feeling like I don't belong.
Counselors would say, that was supposed to come from my parents, but I didn't get it, and now I'm trying to find it.  From a sense of belonging, we get our sense of being, where our passions and desires take shape.
The hard thing is, when my feelings get hurt, and it happens a lot, all of a sudden I feel like I need to change up all my friends...because I no longer feel like I belong. An almost constant outsider. Living in a community where there are cliques of people who grew up together doesn't help, either. They share memories I don't have, and they reminisce often. Even going to church; everyone is either related or sharing a household. Suddenly I shrink into the background.
My solution seems to be (as I am figuring out my patterns) that I try to do things to get noticed. Good and bad, just someone notice me.
I'll:
Spend too much
Do too much
Get sarcastic
Crack jokes, for some examples, just someone notice that I am here and I want to belong.
That doesn't work, though, because I still feel unnoticed...my personality and passions must not be good enough to belong. But, if I can do something for someone, they want me around...I want to be liked for me, not for what I can do for someone.
I know in my head that I belong to God, but sometimes, often times, He can seem so far from here...I'd like to go be where He is. He does make His dwelling place in His new Temple, His people, but I still feel like an outsider most of the time.

Warning: bad day...ALREADY!

Barely 9am and I've already had the worst day I've had in a long time. When it rains, it pours, I guess.


I feel like I'll never get to where I can play and have fun, and I get so mad when all the kids want to do is play and have fun!  Why am I left to get all the yucky task stuff around the house done by myself?  I want to enjoy things! I can't get ahead, and I'm getting resentful. Furious-fly-off-the-handle...if there even is  a handle to be on :/


Date night? Too much to do. Vacation? Dreadful, cause there's so much to do. Sit and read? But there will be a disaster that I have to get up and clean. Seems as if it will never end and I don't dare take a break, cause it will just be worse when the break is over.


So, here I sit, writing this all down, cause it's supposed to do me some good...all I want to do is hide, today. I'm afraid if I go out "there" (sitting in my room, right now) that something worse will happen.  I can't just shut down, because they want to go do things...they want to have fun...they want to see the sun today.  


Someday someone will be like me and notice that I need help, too...maybe...I can't just keep helping other people...it's breaking me.

One Track Mind

I'm noticing that I get into a "zone" when doing chores. I don't like people to talk to me, or ask me anything, I can only concentrate on one thing at a time.  Which is very strange, because I've always considered my self to be a great multi-tasker.


What contributed to this change, the ADD of my 40's?


Funny thing is, the "zone" doesn't keep me on task.  I start doing one thing and before it's finished, I notice something else, and start that and so on and so on. By the end of the day I have multiple things started and nothing accomplished (fully).  Same routine the next day. Maybe that's why I'm exhausted.  Tedium at its best!


As of now, I have a load in the dryer, 2 loads needing to be folded, the vacuum still in the middle of the floor, dishes half done, 2 baskets of folded laundry (these have been sitting there for 2 weeks)...will I ever finish?


I guess that's multi-tasking for me, these days!

How many times do I get a second chance?

I've never been a journaler, but I envy those who can sit and write their thoughts out. I am thinking that they can get them organized better...??  I think I need to do that, so how do I get in the groove...perhaps using this blog?? I am going to try.


I had an amazing day, yesterday. Started a new journey of discovery in my life, with someone along side me to help "navigate" ~ ;) ~ the sometimes treacherous waters...you know who you are!


One challenge that has been placed before me is to write...ugh! Not my first thought, but I know the benefits.  Who else out there finds it helpful to just write?  Do you get to do it in a quiet space?  I don't think I will be able to find that.


Seems that when I find a quiet room, my kids are magnetized to the beauty of it and they come and steal the quiet from me and I tend to explode.  Can't I get a moment??  I try to sit and be peaceful and, within moments, I'm yelling at someone smaller than I, to leave me alone.  What must they think? They just want to be with me...at least I think that's why.  I'm pretty sure they love me and like being around me, but I don't understand why, when I am yelling at them to get away a lot of the time.


There it is...this thing called rage. Where does it come from? Why does it rear it's ugly head at the helpless around me; the ones I've been charged with protecting and teaching...THE ONES I'M SUPPOSED TO BE AN EXAMPLE OF CHRIST FOR?!?!


This will be my prayer today: Lord Jesus, the Almighty Creator, you knit me together...you know the pattern in which I was created. Please help me, mold me, break me and put me back right! Amen