Sense of belonging

One of the main things I struggle with is feeling like I don't belong.
Counselors would say, that was supposed to come from my parents, but I didn't get it, and now I'm trying to find it.  From a sense of belonging, we get our sense of being, where our passions and desires take shape.
The hard thing is, when my feelings get hurt, and it happens a lot, all of a sudden I feel like I need to change up all my friends...because I no longer feel like I belong. An almost constant outsider. Living in a community where there are cliques of people who grew up together doesn't help, either. They share memories I don't have, and they reminisce often. Even going to church; everyone is either related or sharing a household. Suddenly I shrink into the background.
My solution seems to be (as I am figuring out my patterns) that I try to do things to get noticed. Good and bad, just someone notice me.
I'll:
Spend too much
Do too much
Get sarcastic
Crack jokes, for some examples, just someone notice that I am here and I want to belong.
That doesn't work, though, because I still feel unnoticed...my personality and passions must not be good enough to belong. But, if I can do something for someone, they want me around...I want to be liked for me, not for what I can do for someone.
I know in my head that I belong to God, but sometimes, often times, He can seem so far from here...I'd like to go be where He is. He does make His dwelling place in His new Temple, His people, but I still feel like an outsider most of the time.

Warning: bad day...ALREADY!

Barely 9am and I've already had the worst day I've had in a long time. When it rains, it pours, I guess.


I feel like I'll never get to where I can play and have fun, and I get so mad when all the kids want to do is play and have fun!  Why am I left to get all the yucky task stuff around the house done by myself?  I want to enjoy things! I can't get ahead, and I'm getting resentful. Furious-fly-off-the-handle...if there even is  a handle to be on :/


Date night? Too much to do. Vacation? Dreadful, cause there's so much to do. Sit and read? But there will be a disaster that I have to get up and clean. Seems as if it will never end and I don't dare take a break, cause it will just be worse when the break is over.


So, here I sit, writing this all down, cause it's supposed to do me some good...all I want to do is hide, today. I'm afraid if I go out "there" (sitting in my room, right now) that something worse will happen.  I can't just shut down, because they want to go do things...they want to have fun...they want to see the sun today.  


Someday someone will be like me and notice that I need help, too...maybe...I can't just keep helping other people...it's breaking me.

One Track Mind

I'm noticing that I get into a "zone" when doing chores. I don't like people to talk to me, or ask me anything, I can only concentrate on one thing at a time.  Which is very strange, because I've always considered my self to be a great multi-tasker.


What contributed to this change, the ADD of my 40's?


Funny thing is, the "zone" doesn't keep me on task.  I start doing one thing and before it's finished, I notice something else, and start that and so on and so on. By the end of the day I have multiple things started and nothing accomplished (fully).  Same routine the next day. Maybe that's why I'm exhausted.  Tedium at its best!


As of now, I have a load in the dryer, 2 loads needing to be folded, the vacuum still in the middle of the floor, dishes half done, 2 baskets of folded laundry (these have been sitting there for 2 weeks)...will I ever finish?


I guess that's multi-tasking for me, these days!

How many times do I get a second chance?

I've never been a journaler, but I envy those who can sit and write their thoughts out. I am thinking that they can get them organized better...??  I think I need to do that, so how do I get in the groove...perhaps using this blog?? I am going to try.


I had an amazing day, yesterday. Started a new journey of discovery in my life, with someone along side me to help "navigate" ~ ;) ~ the sometimes treacherous waters...you know who you are!


One challenge that has been placed before me is to write...ugh! Not my first thought, but I know the benefits.  Who else out there finds it helpful to just write?  Do you get to do it in a quiet space?  I don't think I will be able to find that.


Seems that when I find a quiet room, my kids are magnetized to the beauty of it and they come and steal the quiet from me and I tend to explode.  Can't I get a moment??  I try to sit and be peaceful and, within moments, I'm yelling at someone smaller than I, to leave me alone.  What must they think? They just want to be with me...at least I think that's why.  I'm pretty sure they love me and like being around me, but I don't understand why, when I am yelling at them to get away a lot of the time.


There it is...this thing called rage. Where does it come from? Why does it rear it's ugly head at the helpless around me; the ones I've been charged with protecting and teaching...THE ONES I'M SUPPOSED TO BE AN EXAMPLE OF CHRIST FOR?!?!


This will be my prayer today: Lord Jesus, the Almighty Creator, you knit me together...you know the pattern in which I was created. Please help me, mold me, break me and put me back right! Amen

Digging Deep

Many, many times in my life, I've tried to look deep into who I am. What makes me tick? What are my secrets? How can I really be authentic?
What I have continued to find out is I'm looking in the wrong direction.
Colossians 3:3 says "For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."  Think about that for a minute. Read it again and again. "Your life is hidden with Christ."  So, in order for me to look deeply into myself, I must seek out Christ!
How does this help me be authentic? Be honest? As I seek Him, He reveals me. WOW! I have found this to be so true recently, and some of the people that are close to me are noticing...I can think about things for so long, but it's when they start manifesting in my life that really matters.  When what I seek reveals more of the mystery of me, I become my authentic self; who I was created by God to be.

So...what happens when your perspective of yourself changes?

For my entire life, I have had the words of my Mother going through my head. "Oh, I can't eat that, I'm too fat," or "I need to lose weight," or "I hate my body!"
YUCK!!
I'm sure there are millions of women like me out there who have had a hatred of self ingrained in them by a parent, or loved one. Even if they never said anything directly about you, you still take on the words as your own, as if there must be something wrong with you, too.
Recently, within the month, I went to a training on eating disorders...which I've never thought myself to have...yes, I must be queen of denial :) and found out some NEW information on body type/size.
The fact is, as long as we are moving (not sedentary), making healthy choices about what we feed our bodies (including paying attention to how certain foods make you feel, and avoiding the ones that have adverse effects on how you feel physically or emotionally), there is nothing to worry about what number you hit when stepping on a scale.  Unless, of course, the size of yourself prevents you from enjoying a "normal" life.  If you're healthy, whatever size you land at is ok!
Also, this one was HUGE for me, learn to see yourself through God's eyes! He never looks at you with disgust, or apathy, He only looks at you with the greatest, deepest, most honest love. There is nothing we can be or do that would make Him love us any less or any more...His love is not based on who we are, but on who He is! God is love, and He's completely sold-out-head-over-heels-heart-pounding-madly-deeply-sloppy-wet-kiss in LOVE with you!!

so... I've been on Zoloft since December, and feeling pretty good. Energy level is mostly up, and I no longer feel helpless.
As far as the weight loss thing, down 6#, but not feeling ready to commit to a whole new gig. Sounds dumb, I know...I want it, but I don't want it bad enough to change.  What's up with that?!?! What's the tipping point, anyway (pardon the pun)?  What is the last straw?  What will give me the motivation to make some changes?